Same as Krishna, four hands, with the stabbed joust. Unkempt and long beard, almost identical to the hero of Tamil movies, black face, sparkling white teeth.
It was the stark mid night, I felt fear inside, I asked myself “What if it’s a ghost?”. Heart started trembling. Again I tried to console myself, “How could the ghost even exists in this era?”, this is but just a fear, let’s move. But that was just the consolation, not a real solution. So who was he? He had four hands, there is no way that a person can have four hands, I thought he must be God, but how could god be in existence? He seems like a human, standing upon the coast, it looks like he had the remaining ashes of the smoke in his hand but there was no fire.
I think of calling him, but my courage became lame before it could whizzed. I tried to move away faltering my legs in the curiosity, fear and insecurity.
“Hey Umesh, Wait for moment!”
My breath flew away, how could he know my name? I thought, for sure, he was there to kill me. He called me without attaching any respect in his word. His word also hit my greediness. If I would to speak, there was a fear of him telling “I’m the god of death, and I am here to take you.”, if I would not then he called me, what to do and what not to, I was complete delemaa.
In the extreme fear, I replied “yes!”. My face was already vermillion, if I would have captured that scene with the camera then it would be real thrilling moment to see after, but how could I even have a camera in that mid night. I was really dumb to walk alone in that stark night, I thought probably I’m going to die today, but did grab the courage to stand up.
Again he spoke, “Don’t fear out of the darkness and the rudeness of me, I will not do anything to you.”
Owhu!, I was literally relieved, I felt of living. I thought may be god exists somewhere, I was fortunate that he said that he doesn’t do anything and the throat cleared all the stuck breath. I felt of having long breath.
He started his rude voice again,
“I’m also Umesh! Don’t you know me?”
After his words, my emerging breath again hit the corner the throat but literally not to be exhaled. I repeated within myself, how he could be “Umesh”, that was me and how he could, I’m white but he is a real black and that fearsome face, how could I be him? I started praying “Ram, Ram”. I experienced, the actual fear is more than just stronger than what we used to fake around our friends talking about the ghost I never saw. I got spin, I pinched myself if I am still awake and there I was alive and standing in front of him.
I wanted to questioned him, but words were now where. He again spoke
“I’m you, I am with you always, but you don’t know me because you’re literally seeing me for the first time.”
I questioned myself “Am I really him?” Shit! How could I be? We were completely different, only matching thing was our language. And I have only two hands but he had four, I was kempt and he had long beard, I took my hand in my chick, and there was nothing similar.
What he been saying, I became confused, fear was on its summit, and curiosity was also climbing the mountain created by fear.
He started his loud voice again “ You are not what people see, actually, you’re me.”
Now his outfits was changing, his four hands turned into two, all the unkempt face became clear, his black face transformed into white just like mine. I couldn’t even realize how his hands and those long beard flew away as his black face turned into white. Slowly he became “Umesh” on his appearance also. He was like I am seeing myself in the mirror, he was a perfect reflection of me.
Now the curiosity was more than the fear, how he transformed himself into me, “Am I him really? Or else I’m am me “, it was almost hard to recognize myself, how could all this happen? I had a fear and the curiosity and both were like wave and tide. Now his voice was just like me, I couldn’t ferret, if I was speaking or him, I literally had to feel my lips to make sure if I was speaking.
He was speaking and I was listening, “Now say, Am I you or not?”
How could I say “No”, because he was same as me, and how could I even choose that “yes”, because how could he be “Me”?
“I’m seeing you same as me, but it becoming hard for me to recognize who’s me.” i replied.
“Believe me, or not, you’re the body and I’m the spirit.” He said directly.
Just like me, but he said that he was my soul, how could I even believe him, now it was tough to discover who was I, and who was he between us.
The summit of fear was looking more higher and the same was of curiosity, he was talking, and I just listened him.
“Whom you’re saying yourself, that’s not you, there is no way you could be that Umesh, but he is your body, and the base for recognizing you by peoples. People who know, know your body, not you.”
It looked like he was a wise and I was a student. I assumed, he was constantly giving me the knowledge which I was yet to understand, and that ease me little bit.
“Afterall, who I am? Am I not the same “Umesh” known by the people? If i was not the one perceived by the world then who really I am?” Just like the light from the fissure, my lips expanded exhaling those tiny words almost in semi unconsciousness.
“Your delusion is nothing else than you, the greediness behind your existence is you, when you say your body “me”, your greediness speaks out of the vain not you. Whatever people see you, you think that’s you, and that’s the realy misery, now my point is ‘Who really you are?’, in reality you’re nobody and nothing expect the silence, there is no “You”, to say “you’ and ‘me’, here is nothing, because everything is same. Neither you nor other people, nobody exists.”
Collecting the tiny courage to speak, I asked him “ So, who you are?”
“I’m your soul, I think it’s best not to distinguish you and me, because I’m a silence, a blankness. When everything finishes what remains? and whatever that is that’s me. There is water inside the box of crystal, when that crystal break, the water choose it’s own way, now the tiny parts of crystal are remaining, sometimes after the crystal also fade away, now there is nothing expect than nothing. And that’s me, a nothing other than the silence. “
I am now more interested to hit me more questions, “So why are you here?” Even though I hadn’t understand anything what he said, but still I did ask him the question.
“To wake you up, my task is to wake you from your lifelong sleep, to make your introduce with real “Umesh”, that’s it and that’s the purpose my presence here.”
I was almost tired of the confusion which he was creating inside me, but out of my exhaustion, he didn’t stop talking.
“Whom you’re assuming yourself and fulfilling your responsibilities is the wrong way, because you’re in the wrong track, and that’s the only mistake you’re doing, other things are super fine. You have to work, you have to live, you have to love, you have to fulfill your dream, but you’re thinking that’s you have been doing it all along, that’s completely wrong. You might be thinking, you exists that’s why you are doing all these things, otherwise nothing would be there right?”
He was speaking without even interrupting his throat for the breath, I found some kye in that answer, and I said in rush “yes! yes!, I always think like that, I feel its’ me who do all the things, is that being wrong? if so then what’s right?”
He took a pause and started speaking again.
“First thing, “you” must be removed from you, because you’re nobody, neither you’re the actor not you’re the action. You are just doing all these things just for your body which doesn’t’ last, just because for your body. Otherwise all your actions are your vain. The purpose of you being here in the universe is big but it’s also zero from another dimension. When you think yourself as you, you will find a vital purpose, but when there exists no different between you and others, the purpose vanish, because only when you see yourself two, there exists purpose not when you become one. When all stone, mud, forest, nature, love, male, female become nothing other than one, then how could you even identify the purpose? For instance, you think that the stone have the purposes, but when everything become stone, think once would there be still any purpose of that stone? Think carefully, you see the purpose of stone because you and stone are different objects but think twice if all the things which exists in the universe would be transformed into the stone would there be any purpose of that stone? When you become two there emerges the so called purpose, there born the existence and the summit of your veins and arrogance. “
Now, all the things which he said was looking like whatever Krishna said in Gita, I thought, mayn’t he be Krishna? But all the fear were gone by that time,
I asked “So isn’t there any purpose for me being here?”
He spoke expanding his red lips, “
“Yes and No, that’s what you have to understand now. There are purposes because you’re here for actions, there are no purpose because that’s “me” is the wrong representation of yourself. Everything has been borned and differentiated by two, you to be here in this universe is an unimaginable incident and a truth. When I say you, I sum you and your consciousness. The consciousness to be developed in a body and to have this magical existence is an amazing incident. Now you can it either purpose or silence. When thousands and millions of those chemicals hit each other, one body and the consciousness develops, and isn’t that an incident to be one from those millions?”
It’s really amazing, I was more or less confused, he was questioning me, and I was amazed, I thought he was giving me all those wise things which he holds.
“My task is just to make you wake up, emerge and flourish your consciousness, your identity is not only “Umesh Ghimire”, rather its the identity which others have given to you.”
He was still exhaling those wise words but suddenly he returned into his first appearance in which I had encountered him. He again had that stabbed joust in his hand, he uped his hand with his weapon and started shouting loud and loud.
“Wake up Umesh! Wake up!”
I thought, may he would now kill me, I feel of living so, I had to flew away from him, when I just tried to move my legs, he came in front of me and stood like a rock art with his weapon in his hand. I said unconsciously “No, No, don’t kill me.” I howled, I closed my eyes out of the fear, but fortunately he didn’t hit me with his weapon.
I slowly opened my eyes, he was not there, he vanished, I threw my hand here and there but couldn’t found anything other than my pillow.
Shit! I was in a dream, I woke up. In front of me that tick tick was hitting the big “9”, shit! I had been lazy, it’s time for the office.
“Who I am really?” I started thinking while shaking the brush inside my mouth. The Umesh from the dream may be right, I thought I am not just “Umesh ghimire”. In front of the mirror, I thought that seeing my reflection and asked “Who Am I? And the answer was nothing other than the long silence.
Writer : © Umesh Ghimire
English Translation : Vaghawan Ojha
Nepali Link : who am i
Image Source : http://www.wmfirstassembly.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/who-am-i.jpg
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