The drought sun outside, but the weather is in its break even, neither hot nor cold. And the mind was fully enjoying the hot tea and the random thoughts that came up.
It’s more being the chunk of thoughts, just like the wave and tide of the ocean, random thoughts are being overwhelmed. The mind being fully concentrated on those streams. Sometimes it comes up with the grieve and sometime the torrent of happiness. I am thinking “Isn’t this life or what we called this “I” the chunk of the thoughts?” I am trying to write entering inside myself but not being able to find anything. Thoughts were emerging like the stream when it thuds in the rock. People used to say “Blank mind, the home of ghost” but I”m feeling, to have a blank mind is more than just fortunateness .
I’m trying to discover something ferreting my own self, but it’s tough, it’s tough to see oneself from own eye or mind.
Why thoughts come?
Is the human mind, a tree of thoughts?
Only to think, is the action of human? Can’t we be thoughtless?
Even if we can, why we are supposed to be thoughtless, because there is no purpose. Shit! What I’m thinking!
Am I bing psycho? Because the thoughts were overwhelming.
But No! Everything is fine in me, and I’m absolutely fine.
May be I’m not that much mature to understand its randomness? Yes, may be I’m quite immature.
But necessarily, it may not be the case, I had seen, grandpa speaking on his own solitude, it didn’t matter even when he was walking, Was that those chunk of thoughts which make him outter alone? That may be right.
Why I’m writing all these?
I don’t know,
Shoud I really halt this writing?
No, I don’t, but why should I write then?
There seems no reason to crave those stream of thoughts into words, why, what’s the advent of this?
Let the reason rest on hell, I don’t care..
Am I trying to be an ascetic leaving everything behind? shit! how could I be?
I”ve not even try a girl yet! how could I ?
So am I being a loser by not to realize those thoughts?
And am I winning contemplating on those thoughts?
Nothing, nothing seems a perfect suit,
So what all these?
So Am I being successful?
How could I be, there are lots of things which I’m yet to see.
So what? Am I a fully failure?
No, that was also not a real case, I’m on my way and I’m working.
So Am I successful?
No, how come? There are no reasons.
Is that I should be an old to be successful?
Isn’t it possible to be successful without taking ages?
Well! I don’t know.
Well, that was the what I’m yet to understand, So what I’ve been searching?
Is it peace, happiness or love?
Is it something only with me, or everyone else is having same?
Well it’s killing me.
It must be with everyone, otherwise why people should run after those so called wise to find out happiness, peace and contentness?
So why people die after money?
What to get?
I don’t know, So what is that which I’m yet to get?
So, why I need money? I really don’t know either.
So that’s ok.
But it’s somehow not being right.
So what is that somehow? How?
So what was being wrong?
Everything is looking good. Are my thoughts being arrogant?
Well, I don’t know, to what extent should I declare it as arrogance and to what extent should I declare it as consciousness. I have no idea.
So what I am searching for then?
Am I really searching something?
Yes, I’ve been, so what?
Well, I don’t know, is that something which can not be transformed into words?
May be! Is that something like love?
No, it’s something complicated but not that, so what?
is that feeling?
Love is also a feeling , so what am I really searching for?
Is that something the meaning of life? No, that’s not the case either.
The freedom from thoughts,
So why should I be free from thoughts?
So what else?
Is it something I’m writing as a blog post?
No, who would read this spontaneous randomness?
Who am I, a dumb who don’t even understand the meaning of those words craved by allegories, I am even more dumb on those tiny grammar.
So am I stupid?
this spontaneousness is a kind of stupidity.
No, it’s my thoughts how could it be stupidity?
Probably, it may happen with everyone.
How could I know if something like this can happen with other?
But I’ve read blogs and listened their talks.
So am I a wise?
Shit! I myself is writing and I’m making amuse after it, how could I be a wiser? What I know to be a wise?
Everything is in and between confusions, I don’t know if I know something or not.
Nothing seems right, how could I be wise, I have all the arrogance, greediness and even the angerness, and how could I be on that way?
So is that me a perfect stupid?
Well, to whom I should tell stupid, what are the characteristics, I don’t know.
Maybe who get misery and the reason is nothing other than him/herself should be stupid.
But I don’t think I’ve not been in misery because of myself, So what?
Well, it’s something which I don’t know.
So what I was trying to understand?
What I really know?
Is that something, I was trying to understand the thing which nobody know about?
No, that’s not the case.
The situations when all known transformed into unknown.
May be that’s the real case, but why they should be transformed?
When all the known vanish?
Well, nowhere, I don’t know.
May be after the death.
So Am I trying to die?
I”m now pretty much sure, that what I am trying to discover can’t be written nither it can be spoken.
May be that was the reason, I’m not being able to write up.
Is that sure?
It’s not something like math, I am not doing any calculation so pretty much here and there, but the result is nothing more than a perfect confusion.
No, it’s not something what I’m thinking. So why I’m wasting my time rather than being productive on that so called work?
Yes, Now I know.
When we write thoughts into word the thoughts transformed into nothing other than the silence.
And it’s more easy to put our mind on work, Yes now it is looking easy.
So now, I will thrash all my thoughts into microsoft word, so that it would be easy for me to work, Sure?
Yes, this is 100% sure.
It’s too much, now I have to close my laptop. If someone read this, he/she will call me a lunatic.
Hesitation!!! How could I stop those who never rest talking.
Yes, that’s right.
I”m not in peace.
The mind is now in peace.
Oh! Is that human searching for a peaceful mind? May be?
Yes! May be, So it is the subject of another pursuit.
So may be next time I have to be in this pursuit.
So now Bye!
Click Here to read Nepali Version of this article.
Writer : © Umesh Ghimire
English Translation : Vaghawan Ojha
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